Twenty years later, I met my first husband. Among his many good qualities was a decent surname . While we planned our wedding , I broached the issue of surnames to him. Like any sensitive modern man, he said it didn't matter to him what my last name was. Part of me liked the thought of becoming part of his brand. A bigger part of me remembered Mrs. Peabody. I kept my maiden name.
Less than two years after I was married, as I sat in an office filling out divorce paperwork, my lawyer told me I could legally change my surname to anything I would like without extra paperwork or a fee, thanks to the name-change order in the decree. I demurred. Divorce was difficult enough; I wasn't ready for another self-reinvention .
But plenty of women are. Cheryl Strayed, nee Nyland, is a wellknown example. The author of the best-selling 2012 memoir, Wild: From Lost to Found on the Pacific Crest Trail, created her own last name after her divorce, a subject she touches on in her book and recently elaborated on in an email . "I realized I wanted to change my name and this was the time to do it," she wrote to me. "I felt really clear about it. I began searching for a new name by making lists of words that meant something to me or sounded good with Cheryl."
There are no solid statistics on how many women keep or change their last names, but the process is a much-debated topic. Some women camp on the side of never changing their last name. Some want to take their husband's name because of team unity, romance or future children. Those with embarrassing surnames consider a change as an upgrade. But most American women take their husband's name after matrimony.
But if the marriage fails? Hanging on to your ex's name can daily conjure an unhappy past, while your maiden name that you've outgrown can be difficult to imagine . Divorce can be an opportunity to create a surname that speaks to the woman you have become.
Self-help books on grieving and divorce unanimously encourage readers to find a cathartic way to become self-empowered . Instead of travel or salsa-dance lessons, why not try a new name?
Or perhaps an old one, like Sarah Flink, nee Severson, 35, an adjunct professor and researcher at John Jay College of Criminal Justice in Manhattan. After her divorce, she believed, "I needed a new centerpiece around which to build a new identity. I didn't want to keep his name, but my maiden name sounded all wrong, like trying to put on a coat that didn't fit." Ms. Flink chose her maternal great-grandparent's surname.
She and Ms. Strayed have plenty of support. In 1921, the Lucy Stone League gained attention for insisting that women should be able to keep their birth names even after marriage.
And Raoul Felder, the wellknown divorce lawyer in New York City, who has written books on matrimony and divorce, and represented celebrities like Mike Tyson and David Gest, reported that many of his female clients are creating their own surnames. Client confidentiality doesn't allow him to name names, but he says they are looking for glamorous-sounding ones. "If you can dye your hair or fix your nose, you can change your name," Mr. Felder said.
But just as with plastic surgery there can be downsides to a name change; along with confusion in one's official documents, it can sound more self-important than intended. And family members can be the first to roll their eyes.
Perhaps, like so many celebrities do, making a name change before any marriage could be beneficial . When a woman claims her own identity, she might be less likely to lose it to marriage and motherhood (see: Ciccone Penn Ritchie, Madonna; or the string of names that never quite attached to Elizabeth Taylor).
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